White Violets

Chapter 1: My Life at home

        I managed to run to my room just in time. The old man was asleep and the old crone was out doing whatever. I looked around my room and saw that it still looked the same. The chairs, table and my bed weren’t moved. My dresser wasn’t on the ground like last time, the door that separates me from the outside . . . well that door had seen better days. I went over to it and tried to close it. No such luck on my part. My father had broken it one day in a fit of rage. Looks like I’ll have to sneak money every now and then to buy a new one. I have time, it may not be a lot of time but I did have time.

            I looked at the time to see that it was now 8:00 pm. I should’ve been home two hours ago with Father’s dinner and ‘gifts’. I shuddered from the cold and disgust. It was a windy spring night in Japan, the place where I was born and raised. I was named Aretsu Ciel Murakami and am now 15. I’ll be turning 16 next week.

            I looked in my closet to see what I should wear but the only things in here were house kimonos, not the usual T-shirts and shorts that I enjoyed wearing. Dammit, my father must’ve moved my stuff again. Mind you yes I said kimonos. Not yukata’s, not hakama’s just plain old kimonos. My father had always gotten a kick out of seeing me dressed in these. I mean I like them too so I don’t blame him. Plus, I only wear them in the house so yeah it’s cool. By the time I decided on what to wear the time now read 8:26. Time sure is going by fast. It was a good thing that I prepared today’s dinner yesterday. It was 8:30 by the time I finished taking off my shirt and tossing it on my futon next to my slacks, which were the first to go.

            As I changed I noticed a red mark on my shoulder and collarbone. I felt my face heat up as I remembered the reason why I was late. I then took out the blue and indigo kimono and started to put it on, hoping to Kami that my dad doesn’t see the marks. I remembered the last time he found marks on my body. He made sure to thoroughly mark me next. Maybe, if he were to see them, he would spare me if I let my hair down. I thought it was worth a shot as I let the long light blue locks fall down my back and over my shoulders. After I tied the sash I started to look for the obi. I wondered if I should go with the black one or the silver one. I decided to go with the silver one when I heard my father stirring. I tied the obi around me and ran into the kitchen. I took out the stuff I prepared last night and placed them in the oven to warm. Immediately the smell of fish and rice could be detected.

            I then jumped when I heard my father open the door to the kitchen. I looked at him and bowed. My father, Ryuho Murakami, was a very good looking man at the age of 36. My father had shoulder length black hair that was usually put into a loose ponytail and dark violet colored eyes. He was a very confident man and it showed in whatever he did. I lifted my head up as he bowed very slightly to me. When he lifted his gaze to me I instantly averted my gaze and turned back around to the counter to start chopping up the spices he liked with his meal.

            “How was your day, Father?” I spoke calmly so I don’t hint to him that I was scared. I didn’t want to seem guilty or else he’ll know that I was out late.

            “Fine,” I felt him walk closer to me and his hand rested on my shoulder. I then proceeded to put some rice in his bowl.

            “Is everything alright, Father?” I felt his other hand on the small of my back, inching toward the tie of my obi, as if about to loosen it. I sighed slightly when the hand on my shoulder went to my hair.

            “You let your hair out, Aretsu. It’s a nice change.”

            “Arigatou, Father.” I started to fix Mother’s plate. “Will Mother be joining us today, Father?” That should stop him.

            I felt my father move from my hair to my neck and I winced when his nails bit into my skin.

            Yeah it worked.

            “No, but you can continue to fix her plate for later.” He leaned in and whispered, “Hurry up, Aretsu.”

            I blew out a puff of air and moved my bang from my eye. For some strange reason . . . well it’s not really strange it’s actually pretty obvious but ever since I was about 5 or 6 my mother started taking drugs and pretty much spends most of her time at a brothel. Father hasn’t left her yet and a part of me doesn’t know why. It would make sense to me that deep down he probably really does love her but with the sick and twisted things he’s been doing it’s pretty hard for me to believe he has a heart.

            “Yes Father.” I passed by him and went to the oven, taking out the fish. “Do you wish for your sake now, Father?”

            I felt his gaze on me even as he walked back to the living room. “Sure,”

            I rolled my eyes. Great. So he’ll be drunk during this whole thing. That’s just my God damn luck. I then finished our plates and brought them out with the drinks. After serving the sake to Father I sat down across from him and started eating.

            “Thank you for the food,” I whispered to myself.

            There was a long silence during dinner and Father kept looking at me. I didn’t make eye contact with him and just kept eating. I heard the front door open and looked up to see my mother.

            My mother, Rebecca Johnson Murakami, had long dark blue hair and black eyes. The kimono that she had on was in a mess, showing off her pale skin and the deep red marks that were there. I rolled my eyes and continued eating, knowing where she was. She could’ve at least cleaned herself up.

            “And where have you been?”

            My mother froze and she looked at us. She glared at me and I paid her no mind.

            “I was out,” Was her response.

            I rolled my eyes and when Father decided to look at her I drank four shots of sake and finished off my wasabi with the last of the fish and rice. I shook my head and hoped that I would fall asleep before Father wanted to take his anger out on me. At least asleep I won’t have to worry too much. Sure, I’ll be sore as Hell but it’s better than experiencing the whole entire thing.

            My father looked at me and yanked on my hair. I didn’t even see his hand move. I winced as he yanked and pulled at my hair. He wanted to get a bigger response out of me. He was trying to provoke Mother. She smirked when my response was more of shock then pain. My father then glared at me while pulling me closer to him. When he spoke in my ear his rough words sent shivers down my spine.

            “Either you scream now or I’ll make you scream later on tonight!”

            My father pulled my hair again and this time I screamed. He grabbed onto me and pulled me onto his lap.  I screamed again. I couldn’t believe this! Already?! Really?! No, I don’t want this! I don’t want this!

            Mother stare wide eyed. No, not because he was hurting me but because she feared what would happen next. My father always showed her how he would torture her through me. Even though he would never “love” her the way he “loves” me; something that to this day I’ll never understand. Then again, I don’t think this is something I should understand. My father doesn’t have sex with my mother anymore. He only really does if I’m not around or when he thinks his anger is too severe for his “dear sweet Aretsu” to handle. Oh, and something else I have yet to understand . . . my mother always said that if she could get father to touch her even once then that’s fine. Again . . . never will I understand!

            My mother and I really aren’t on good terms with each other. She thinks that I provoke father into doing the things he does. This isn’t true obviously. I mean who asks their own father to have sex with them? Mother says that I have a grudge against her and that I’m a selfish whore who wants father all to myself. I think she’s the reason why I can’t date women. I mean don’t get me wrong. I didn’t let my mother ruin my entire view of the women population. It’s just that . . . I realized that I just don’t like girls. I realized that during Junior High. Cause when I would date a girl I realized that they’re too dependent and they just want, want and want. If you ask them to give they’ll make a big spectacle about it, forcing you to give up. I realized though that at the same time I was doing that as well. Our personalities and attitudes clashed way too much. I had depended on her a lot more than she depended on me. Didn’t think that was possible mind you.

            Yes, be in awe.

            At the same time during my last couple of failed suicide attempts I realized that I was starting to have feelings for my childhood friend, Kage Hikari.

            A boy.

            Kage Hikari was my best friend since elementary years. He was always there for me. He was the only child of a single parent. His father Ryu Hikari is a kind and gentle man. Yet when it was time to get serious he certainly showed it. He loves his son dearly and would never let any serious harm befall him. Kage and his father are the only ones who are kinda finding out about my living situations but haven’t said anything.

            To that I’m grateful.

            When out of nowhere Kage asked me out during my whole “oh god I’m gay” phase during the last year of Junior High I was kinda confused at first but when he proved that he cared for me by . . . kissing me I was pretty much on cloud nine. I couldn’t believe that it was happening. We’ve been dating for almost four years and it was because of him that I was late today. My face became hot remembering what happened.

            My thoughts were interrupted when I felt my father’s lips on my throat. I shivered and tried to relax my hands. Hey, last time I was so scared I accidentally stated my displeasure by hitting my father square in the jaw. Let’s just say that it didn’t end well for me.

            Once more I screamed as he bit down on my neck and pulled my hair again.

            “Father please!”

            “Please what, Aretsu? You know you have to be more specific,” Father kissed my neck as if apologizing for the earlier assault.

            “Father . . .”

            “Do you want me to stop, Aretsu?” I felt his other hand travel down my back and stop as it rested on my ass. He squeezed it and I shivered. “I know you don’t want me to stop.” He squeezed tighter and I jumped in surprise, gripping his shoulders and letting him completely grasp my ass. He started to knead it, making me shiver and I shook my head, my bangs covering my eyes. I felt like crying. It’s starting. It’s happening again.

            I was about to be raped by my own father.

            And no one was going to help me.

            My father loosened my obi and started to slip his hands under the sash, untying it and then opening the kimono, exposing me from at least the waist up. The look on my father’s face disgusted me a lot more than the feel of his hands traveling across my body. His eyes were full of hunger and lust. The hunger he felt was portrayed in his touch.

            His kisses went lower onto my chest. His tongue played with the sensitive nubs that were there. I bit my lower lip, trying hard not to make a sound. Today I won’t give him any satisfaction.

            However my father must’ve known what I was thinking because out of nowhere he bit down on one and tugged harder on the other one. I felt his lips twitch into a smirk as a small groan escaped my lips. The main thing that I hated about what my father did to me was the fact that no matter how badly I tried to ignore it he always made sure he’d win in the end. My father knew that I liked to cut myself. He knew that pain was the one thing that turned me on the most and he always used it to his advantage. The second that pain is registered in my brain I’m already a needy mess. Even now I’m already panting and sweating. The pain that he inflicted on me felt incredible. I wanted more, so much more. But there was no way in Hell I was gonna tell my rapist of a father that.

            I felt his arms circle around my waist, pulling me closer to him. I felt his erection press against my thigh and I groaned slightly. I was disappointed in myself for just about wanting this. I then felt his hand creep up the kimono from the bottom and I froze as he idly started to touch my thigh. I started to squirm, wanting him to touch me more, but dammit I didn’t want this from him! So badly did I want to move away from him completely but I knew that he wouldn’t approve of it.

            I then felt nothing for a good second as I felt myself being hoisted up from my father’s lap to his shoulders as he was about to get up. I felt him pat my ass lightly at first and I shuddered. I then yelped in sheer ecstasy as he slapped it harder.

            Dammit that felt good.

            “Aretsu don’t you want it?” His hand trailed down my leg. “Don’t you want me to make you feel good?”

            Yes! I mean no! I mean . . . oh God dammit! I kept my mouth shut.               

            I then screamed as he tossed me from his shoulder and unto the floor next to the table. I groaned in actual pain as my body made contact.

            “Now Aretsu I’ll ask again. Don’t you want me to make you feel good?”

            He was demanding me to say something; to say it loud and clear like he liked it. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to.

            I looked away.

            My father then slapped me across my face and fell on top of me, pressing his lips to mine and lowered his hand to dip under the kimono again. Okay, does anyone else agree that this is getting annoying?

            I gasped in pleasure as he started to tease my now awakening hard on and kissing my neck. He then looked at me again and I knew he liked what he saw. After he let go of me he slapped me again.

            “Now then, shall we try again?” My father’s hand smoothed the redness of my cheek and when I leaned into the touch he smacked my face with such force that the normal reaction was to hit back. I told myself to calm down, however and focused on my breathing.

            “Aretsu are you ignoring me?!”

            I felt tears prick my eyes and I bit my tongue as I spoke the words my father wanted to hear.

            “Father please forgive me. Please forgive my rudeness.” I sat up and crawled into his lap. I started to grind into him and felt his breath coming out in short pants. “Father . . . you’re the only one who can please me.” I grimaced internally as I bit his earlobe.

            “Who do you belong to, Aretsu?”

            I squeezed his shoulders and shook my head. No, I can’t let him do this to me.

            “Father . . . please let me-!”

            I was then pulled off my father and slammed into a nearby wall. I looked and saw my mother taking my place in father’s lap. I wanted to run at that moment. My brain was telling my legs to move but for some reason . . . I couldn’t move. I was just so amazed at how jealous my mother was of Father’s infatuation with me.

            My legs then decided to move as I stood upright. I watched as Mother kissed Father any place where she could reach. My father kept his eyes on me and I looked away as I ran to my room, tripping over my kimono in the process.

            I got in the room and closed the door. At the same time I heard both of them yelling at each other. Father was blaming Mother for letting me escape.

            Escape?!

            What am I some kind of convict?!

            As I was mulling that over out of nowhere my door was busted open and I looked to see my father. He looked annoyed if not angry and I wasn’t surprised to see my mother standing right behind him. Her cheek was red so I assumed he hit her.

            “Aretsu?” My father approached me. “Now before your mother interrupted us what were we doing?”

            I turned to make a run for it but decided against it.

            This is my life.                  

            I can’t deny it any longer.

            No one can help me.

            And unfortunately I have to accept that.

            I looked at my father and smiled. “You were gonna show me how much of a bad boy I’ve been right Father?”

            He smiled back, “Of course. You like it when I punish you don’t you, Aretsu?”

            I closed my eyes and kneeled down in front of him, “Yes Father. You know I do.”

            This is my life at home.