My name’s Aretsu Ciel Murakami. It
was supposed to be Aretsu Ciel Murakami White but life came rough and harsh and
blew its icy cold winds through the horrible thing I called a life. I sit here
in the darkness of the hospital room alone and scared . . . thinking about
everything that happened until this very moment.
If it wasn’t for my stubbornness . .
.
If
I wasn’t stuck in my poor helpless miserable past . . .
If I just opened my heart up sooner.
I didn’t think that losing the
companionship of someone close to you would be so difficult to comprehend. I
didn’t think- didn’t even know that this person meant so much to me until the
very end. I didn’t think that because of his absence all of my suicidal
thoughts from years back would break into the surface of the here and now and
haunt me.
I honestly didn’t think that these
thoughts would ever come back.
I didn’t know that while stumbling
through the darkness that is once again my life I would’ve found the key that I
threw away and unlocked the door to all those horrible thoughts and memories .
. . from only so long ago.
All those memories of being brutally
raped, mentally, physically, emotionally . . . verbally even. They’re all
coming back.
My father . . .
My mother . . .
Kage . . .
My friends . . .
All the things they said and done.
Stuff that I locked away-that I
thought I locked away.
Stuff that I locked away . . . just
to be with him.
I heard that there was a logical
explanation for everything that happened but for all the crap that happened to
me . . . to this day I still haven’t found one.
It would make sense that since he’s
not here by my side protecting me all these things would come back and haunt
me. I mean I’m not happy right? The fact that the only other person I’ve ever
loved is laying on a hospital bed dying right in front of my eyes is the main
reason why I want to jump off a cliff and kill myself right? Why I want to feel
the intense burning of all the pain inflicted on me as I slowly die is because
I’m depressed right? I don’t fight for life! Are you depressed and want to kill
yourself? Well guess what, I am too, let’s make a cult!
I then took out the small knife that
I kept as a symbol of strength after I finally left home. Put enough force into
it and you’ve got yourself a powerful yet dangerous weapon. I wondered if it
would rid me of this place. I already knew that he was going to leave me. Why
should I have to suffer through life without him by my side? Wouldn’t it be
fair if I went with him?
I looked at the small mirror as I
fiddled with the knife in my hand. I looked horrible. I mean I heard of ‘waking
up on the wrong side of the bed’ but damn! Then again I’ve been in this
hospital for almost two weeks now. Can’t blame a guy whose worried sick can
you? I then turned the knife over in my hand and looked at my arms. Any traces
of past suicide attempts were long gone but as the memories came back so did
the scars. I saw them clear as day. I could make one more that would end it all
right here. Right now.
Something white caught my eye and I
looked over to see the white violets that I had brought two days ago watching
me. I smiled as I remembered their hidden meaning. When I got used to living
with him and a little after we started dating he had brought me my first
bouquet of flowers and they were all white violets. I figured he had gotten my
last name, Murakami mixed with the word murasaki which meant ‘violets’. At the
time I didn’t have the heart to tell him he was wrong; especially when he told
me to always think of the two of us together when I saw these flowers. It was
then that I figured out that he had combined our last names into ‘White
Violets’. Even though the translation of my last name was wrong I was still
happy to know that he was thinking of me. It also made happy to know that he
still saw me as an innocent being rather than the tainted monster that I knew
I’ve become. I blinked my eyes at the memory and walked over to the flowers. I
couldn’t bear to let these flowers die. I wonder . . . if I left them who would take care of them. I
didn’t think he would. Taylor and Trent are good for nothings anyway they
wouldn’t do it. Man . . . I really can’t
leave them.
Who knew that just to get rid of
this pain of lost I would want to stab my heart a million times over?
I looked over to his bed and
smirked, knowing what he would say if he knew what I was thinking. I sighed
with tears in my eyes. He would be sad if I did that . . . I didn’t want that.
I looked away from him, back to the
flowers, down to the knife in my hands, caught the faint glimmer of the ring, up
to the mirror, saw my reflection again and cried.
No comments:
Post a Comment